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Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written, rec.arts.int-fiction
From: rpres...@NOSPAMimtek.com.invalid (Ross Presser)
Date: 2000/07/10
Subject: Re: OT: proper way to order a bagel
alt.distinguished....@bob.com (bob).wrote.posted.offered:
>Should I say "May I have a garlic bagel with vegetable cream Maybe try something like this: >cheese?" or "May I have vegetable cream cheese on a garlic bagel?" >or "May I have vegetable on garlic?" Thank You. >BAGEL, GET THE VEGETABLE CREAM CHEESE The bagel picks up the small tub of cream cheese. How, you are not sure, for it has no hands; it is merely a torus of bread, sliced perpendicular to its axis; nevertheless, it picks it up. >BAGEL, GET THE KNIFE The bagel looks at you quizzically, as if to say "I only have zero hands!" >BAGEL, DROP THE CREAM CHEESE. BAGEL, GET THE KNIFE. The bagel does as you tell it. The bagel now has the knife. >BAGEL, GET THE CREAM CHEESE WITH THE KNIFE The bagel glances (without eyes) at the tub of cream cheese, but since the tub is closed, it does nothing. >OPEN THE TUB OF VEGETABLE CREAM CHEESE You open the tub for the bagel. The bagel nods at you approvingly. >BAGEL, GET THE CREAM CHEESE WITH THE KNIFE The bagel gets a knifeful of vegetable cream cheese and waits patiently for your next command. >BAGEL, PUT THE CREAM CHEESE ON YOURSELF WITH THE KNIFE The bagel looks doubtfully at you, unwilling to sully its perfectly toasted flesh, but awkwardly mashes the white spread upon its sliced surface using the knife. The knife is now empty. >BAGEL, DROP THE KNIFE The bagel lets go of the knife and it clatters to the table. >GET BAGEL You make a grab for the bagel, but it evades your grasp. The bagel, sensing your toroidophagic intent, rolls away from you off >STAB BAGEL WITH KNIFE (taking the butter knife) You thrust wildly at the bagel, but it is too quick for you. The bagel has reached the telephone and is calling 911. >THROW KNIFE AT BAGEL You hurl the knife at the bagel. Unfortunately, it passes neatly through the central hole, causing no damage. The bagel finishes its phone call and hangs up the phone. You hear a police siren. >GET UP You stand up from the breakfast table. The bagel throws the knife at you. It hits you squarely in the chest, The police siren is getting louder. >GET BAGEL You make a grab for the bagel, but it evades your grasp. The bagel rolls rapidly out of the kitchen. The police siren is getting very loud now. >FOLLOW BAGEL You make your way into the living room. The police burst through the front door. One cop picks up the bagel *** You have died *** You scored 0 points out of a total of 10, which means you are Hungry. Next time, give a little more thought to your evil plan before ordering -- You must Sign in before you can post messages.
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