STUART: (On the phone.) Hiya, babe, it's me. Whatcha doin? Oh, I'm just waiting for my next patient. Last night was great, wasn't it? It was great. What? So quickly. What is it with you women? You read some goddamned sex manual and then you think sex is supposed to go on for hours or something. I mean, if you're so frigid you can't get excited in a couple of minutes, that's not my problem. No it isn't. Well, fuck you too. (Hangs up.) Jesus God. (Into Intercom:) Betty, you can send in the next patient.

(Enter PRUDENCE. She sits on couch, lies down with her back to Stuart.)
Hello.

PRUDENCE: Hello.

STUART: What's on your mind this week?

PRUDENCE: Nothing.

STUART: Goddamn it. I don't feel like dragging the words out of you this week. Talk, damn it. (Cross to other side of couch and face Prudence)

(PRUDENCE sit up and look at Stuart, but say nothing.)

STUART: You pay me to listen, so TALK!

PRUDENCE: What?

STUART: (Turn to audiance.) I'm sorry,

(PRUDENCE take up your best seated therapist position.)

STUART: (you are now the patient.) I'm on edge today. And all my patients are this way. None of them talk. Well this one guy talks, but he talks in yiddish a lot, and I don't know what the fuck he's saying.

PRUDENCE: Well you should tell him that you don't understand.

STUART: (Turn to face Prudence.) Don't tell me how to run my business! (Switch back to Therapist mode.) Besides, we're here to talk about you. How was your week? Another series of lonely, loveless evenings? I'm still here, babe.

PRUDENCE: Don't call me babe. (Stand.) No, (Get in Stuarts face.) I've had some pleasant evenings actually.

STUART: You have?

PRUDENCE: (strut to desk.) Yes I have.

STUART: You been answering ads in the paper again? (follow her to desk hesitantly)

PRUDENCE: (Sit on the desk, pick up belt buckle and start fiddling with it.) Well, yes actually.

STUART: That's a slutty thing to do.

PRUDENCE: (Put buckle back on desk.) As a therapist you are utterly ridiculous.

STUART: (get nice and close to Prudence.) I'm just kidding you. You shouldn't lose your sense of humor, babe, especially when you're in a promiscuous stage.

PRUDENCE: I am not promiscuous.

STUART: There's nothing wrong with being  promiscuous. We're all human.

PRUDENCE: Yes, we are all human.

STUART: So who is this guy? Have you slept with him?

PRUDENCE: Dr. Framingham...

STUART: Really, I gotta know for therapy.

PRUDENCE: Yes, we have slept together. Once. I wasn't really planning to, but...

STUART: Is he better than me?

PRUDENCE: Stuart...

STUART: No really. You liked him better? Tell me.

PRUDENCE: Yes I did. Much better.

STUART: I suppose he took his time. I suppose it lasted just hours. That's sick! Wanting sex to take a long time is sick!

PRUDENCE: Well he was attentive to how I felt, if that's what you mean.

STUART: So this fellow was a real success, huh?

PRUDENCE: Success and failure are not particularly likeable terms to describe sexual outings, but if you must, yes, it was successful. Probably his experiences with men have made him all that better as a lover.

STUART: What?

PRUDENCE: He's bisexual.

STUART: (starting to feel on the winning team again): Oh yeah?

PRUDENCE: So he tells me. Masters and Johnson say that homosexuals make much more responsive sex partners anyway.

STUART: BULLSHIT! (Take back the belt buckle.) You are talking such bullshit! I understand you now. You're obviously afraid of a real man, and so you want to cuddle with some eunuch who isn't a threat to you. I understand all this now!

PRUDENCE: There's no need to call him a eunuch. A eunuch has no testicles.

STUART: I GOT BALLS, BABY!

PRUDENCE: I am so pleased for you.

STUART: You're afraid of men.

PRUDENCE: I am not afraid of men.

STUART: You're a fag hag. I gotta write that down. (Writes that down, makes further notes.)

PRUDENCE: Look I admit I find this man's supposed bisexuality confusing and I don't quite believe it. But what are my options? A two minute roll in the hay with you, where you make no distinction between sexual intercourse and push-ups, and then a happy evening of admiring your underarm hair and your belt buckles? (Stand irritated trying to see what Stuart is writing.) What are you writing?

STUART: (move aggressively toward Prudence reading from his pad.)

(PRUDENCE move across the coach away from Stuart.)

I'd like to give this patient electroshock therapy. I'd like to put this patient in a clothes dryer until her hair falls out. I'd like to tie her to a radiator and... (Stops, hears himself, looks stricken.)

PRUDENCE: I think this is obviously my last session.

STUART: No, no, no. You're taking me seriously. I'm testing you. It was a test. I was just putting you on.

PRUDENCE: For what purpose?

STUART: I can't tell you. It would interfere with your therapy.

PRUDENCE: You call this Therapy?

STUART: (Move across the stage to the other side of the coach.) We're reaching the richest part of our therapy. And already I see results. (Sit on the couch armchair next to Prudence.) But I think your entering a very uncharted part of your life just now, and so you must stay with your therapy. You're going out with homosexuals, God knows what your going to do next! (scoot closer to Prudence.) Now I'm very serious. I'm holding out a lifeline. Don't turn away.

PRUDENCE: Well I'll think about it, but I don't know

STUART: You're a very sick woman, and you mustn't be without a therapist even for a day.

PRUDENCE: (not taken by this; wanting to leave without a scene): Is the session over yet?

STUART: We have more minutes.

PRUDENCE: Could I go early?

STUART: I think it's important that we finish out the session.

PRUDENCE: I'd like to go. (Stand up and leave the room.)

STUART: (Grab Prudence's waist and try to keep her from leaving, make her drag you.) Please, please, please, please...

PRUDENCE: (Give up trying to escape from him.) Alright, alright. For God's sake. (Sally make it big)

STUART: (Let go of her slowly AFTER she stops struggling, then crawl back to your desk and take up your belt buckle, which gives you the strength to talk again.) When are you seeing this person again? I'm asking as your therapist.

PRUDENCE: Tonight. (Take a seat on the edge of the couch arm rest ready to leave again.) He's making dinner for us.

STUART: (Still holding the belt buckle, and gaining confidence.) He's making dinner?

PRUDENCE: He says he likes to cook.

STUART: (Confidence has returned.) I don't think I need to say anything more.

PRUDENCE: (Walk over to Stuart and take his belt buckle away.) I don't think you do either.

(They stare at one another; lights dim.)