On May 16, 1:20 pm, ChrisC <chrisp
...@googlemail.com> wrote:
> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it.
> Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not
> in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all
> that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games.
> Escapism with out drugs now.
> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I
> don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a
> detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know
> if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti-
> depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath
> though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a
> cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at
> that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and
> Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The
> Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak
> world.
> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever,
> recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal
> with for the rest of my life?
> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the
> prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't
> get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my
> beliefs from a little of every religion.
> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from
> cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is
> getting me down.
> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the
> UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia
> illness have accepted it.
> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them
> keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although
> another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day
> and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require
> our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
OK Chris, I can really feel your despair. You are not likely to agree
with my answer, but I'll give it to you.
I've come to think of mental illness issues as the chronic diseases
that they are, no less so for being in our brains. I think it is the
strange Cartesian duality of mind-brain that somehow makes us render a
brain-disease to be 'all in the mind' and then somehow under our
concious control. This really defies logic. Our pancreases aren't
under our control and someone with diabetes cannot mentally control
the output of the pancreas by 'pulling up one's bootstraps."
The neuroscience of the brain-based diseases (schizophrenia, major
depression and bipolar depression) is constantly evolving. Genetic
markers are being identified and tested. I tell my children that it
is my great hope that I have some kind of scientific proof and
understanding of my bipolar disorder sometime in my lifetime.
One way I deal with this is to think of medicine as my friend. If I
lived 50, 75 years ago I would have been in really bad shape. As
painful as medication transitions are we are in the most progressive
era of psychiatric management. It would a little bit like a diabetic
becoming grateful for the existence of insulin. Despite the trauma of
daily management it is a breeze compared to there being no medical
recourse.
That said I think that adjustments to meds are among the most trying
times we face. Almost 2 years ago I spun into such a profound
depression that I basically couldn't talk, couldn't write ... it was
just horrible. The physical effects of the medication changes were
painful. I busted my quit on these loathsome no-nicotine cigarettes I
found. I almost starting drinking again. I was suicidal. It was
gruesome. At that point dealing with my mental illness seemed to be
more than I could survive.
But then we came up with a workable regime. I FORCED myself to talk
to my friends (John here among them, never left my side) even though I
was afraid that I would be Debbie Downer, and bore and/or distress
them all. My circle of close friends just listened, just stayed
quietly present and let me know that I couldn't get sad enough or
quiet enough that they would leave.
This is a VERY compassionate group. I pretty much explained all of
this when I came back to the group 18 months ago, and was met with
nothing but kindness. I was pretty much able to confess my depression
and talk about it as much as I needed to until I got back on my feet.
I have no doubt that the group will be here just as consistently for
you. With good ideas and a lot of hugs too.
I also know it I am feeling down I can talk about it at anytime. For
some reason this group just doesn't run out of empathy. There is no
finite amount of support we can access here. We can ask for as much
as we need.
Just for today I am focused on being grateful that the medicine keeps
me healthy, and not on despair over the illness itself.
Holding good thoughts for you! Stephanie
