> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it.
> Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not
> in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all
> that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games.
> Escapism with out drugs now.

> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I
> don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?

> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a
> detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know
> if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti-
> depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath
> though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.

> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a
> cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at
> that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and
> Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The
> Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak
> world.

> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever,
> recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal
> with for the rest of my life?

> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the
> prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't
> get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my
> beliefs from a little of every religion.

> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from
> cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?

> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is
> getting me down.

> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the
> UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia
> illness have accepted it.

> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them
> keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although
> another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.

> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day
> and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require
> our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.