I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it. Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games. Escapism with out drugs now.
When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti- depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak world.
Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever, recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal with for the rest of my life?
Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my beliefs from a little of every religion.
Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is getting me down.
All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia illness have accepted it.
Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it. > Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not > in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all > that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games. > Escapism with out drugs now.
> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I > don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a > detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know > if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti- > depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath > though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a > cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at > that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and > Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The > Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak > world.
> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever, > recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal > with for the rest of my life?
> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the > prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't > get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my > beliefs from a little of every religion.
> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from > cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is > getting me down.
> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the > UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia > illness have accepted it.
> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them > keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although > another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day > and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require > our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
Chris this requires a much more thoughtful and reflective answer than I can give right now. I'll be back though. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
On 16 mei, 19:20, ChrisC <chrisp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
<gentle snip>
Quitting smoking was the best I did. For depression, PD and PTSD.. So ya, it is a lot harder to quit being schizophrenic, because you need to be monitored and your medication needs to be ajusted as you progress. There is no cure, no magic pill. Just finding ways to make the best of it and you have to keep fighting.
It is harder, but not impossible. A psychiatrist would be a good place to start, and let him/her know you (want to) quit smoking, that you need to be monitored. A good psychiatrist will know this. Feeling a sense of loss, anxiety, even despair, all comes with trying to quit. But the physical changes in your brain, along with the schizofrenia, amplify this and that is why you probably will need to have your meds ajusted.
I've come to terms with the fact that I'll need meds for the rest of my life, probably. It's out of my control. But I can make my life better and quitting smoking was one of the few things I _could_ control. It did not cure my mental disorders, but sure made them a heck of a lot easyer to deal with.
Inky,
Free since 22/06/07. No nicotine for 10 months, 3 weeks, 3 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes and 4 seconds. That's 9886 stinkers not smoked, saving € 1.048,00. Reclaiming 4 weeks, 6 days, 7 hours, 50 minutes.
> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it. > Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not > in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all > that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games. > Escapism with out drugs now.
> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I > don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a > detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know > if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti- > depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath > though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a > cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at > that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and > Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The > Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak > world.
> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever, > recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal > with for the rest of my life?
> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the > prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't > get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my > beliefs from a little of every religion.
> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from > cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is > getting me down.
> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the > UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia > illness have accepted it.
> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them > keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although > another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day > and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require > our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
Hey man. You keep seeking those answers. The seeking may be a large part of the answer. Yeah, your kids need a Dad. You keep building them the best dad you can.
> On 16 mei, 19:20, ChrisC <chrisp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
> <gentle snip>
> Quitting smoking was the best I did. For depression, PD and PTSD.. So > ya, it is a lot harder to quit being schizophrenic, because you need > to be monitored and your medication needs to be ajusted as you > progress. There is no cure, no magic pill. Just finding ways to make > the best of it and you have to keep fighting.
> It is harder, but not impossible. A psychiatrist would be a good place > to start, and let him/her know you (want to) quit smoking, that you > need to be monitored. A good psychiatrist will know this. Feeling a > sense of loss, anxiety, even despair, all comes with trying to quit. > But the physical changes in your brain, along with the schizofrenia, > amplify this and that is why you probably will need to have your meds > ajusted.
> I've come to terms with the fact that I'll need meds for the rest of > my life, probably. It's out of my control. But I can make my life > better and quitting smoking was one of the few things I _could_ > control. It did not cure my mental disorders, but sure made them a > heck of a lot easyer to deal with.
> Inky,
> Free since 22/06/07. No nicotine for 10 months, 3 weeks, 3 days, 13 > hours, 27 minutes and 4 seconds. That's 9886 stinkers not smoked, > saving € 1.048,00. Reclaiming 4 weeks, 6 days, 7 hours, 50 minutes.
Rock on, Inky. Good answer. 10,000 cigs, coming up.
> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it. > Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not > in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all > that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games. > Escapism with out drugs now.
> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I > don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a > detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know > if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti- > depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath > though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a > cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at > that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and > Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The > Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak > world.
> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever, > recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal > with for the rest of my life?
> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the > prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't > get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my > beliefs from a little of every religion.
> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from > cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is > getting me down.
> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the > UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia > illness have accepted it.
> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them > keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although > another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day > and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require > our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
Hi Chris,
I had a spell of depression after quitting. I felt grief over losing my constant companion, and the usual tiredness that comes from quitting the nicotine. My mood eventually lifted, and I hope that yours does, too. You deserve to feel better.
> I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it. > Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not > in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all > that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games. > Escapism with out drugs now.
> When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I > don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
> Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a > detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know > if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti- > depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath > though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
> I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a > cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at > that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and > Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The > Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak > world.
> Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever, > recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal > with for the rest of my life?
> Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the > prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't > get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my > beliefs from a little of every religion.
> Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from > cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
> Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is > getting me down.
> All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the > UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia > illness have accepted it.
> Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them > keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although > another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
> Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day > and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require > our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
OK Chris, I can really feel your despair. You are not likely to agree with my answer, but I'll give it to you.
I've come to think of mental illness issues as the chronic diseases that they are, no less so for being in our brains. I think it is the strange Cartesian duality of mind-brain that somehow makes us render a brain-disease to be 'all in the mind' and then somehow under our concious control. This really defies logic. Our pancreases aren't under our control and someone with diabetes cannot mentally control the output of the pancreas by 'pulling up one's bootstraps."
The neuroscience of the brain-based diseases (schizophrenia, major depression and bipolar depression) is constantly evolving. Genetic markers are being identified and tested. I tell my children that it is my great hope that I have some kind of scientific proof and understanding of my bipolar disorder sometime in my lifetime.
One way I deal with this is to think of medicine as my friend. If I lived 50, 75 years ago I would have been in really bad shape. As painful as medication transitions are we are in the most progressive era of psychiatric management. It would a little bit like a diabetic becoming grateful for the existence of insulin. Despite the trauma of daily management it is a breeze compared to there being no medical recourse.
That said I think that adjustments to meds are among the most trying times we face. Almost 2 years ago I spun into such a profound depression that I basically couldn't talk, couldn't write ... it was just horrible. The physical effects of the medication changes were painful. I busted my quit on these loathsome no-nicotine cigarettes I found. I almost starting drinking again. I was suicidal. It was gruesome. At that point dealing with my mental illness seemed to be more than I could survive.
But then we came up with a workable regime. I FORCED myself to talk to my friends (John here among them, never left my side) even though I was afraid that I would be Debbie Downer, and bore and/or distress them all. My circle of close friends just listened, just stayed quietly present and let me know that I couldn't get sad enough or quiet enough that they would leave.
This is a VERY compassionate group. I pretty much explained all of this when I came back to the group 18 months ago, and was met with nothing but kindness. I was pretty much able to confess my depression and talk about it as much as I needed to until I got back on my feet. I have no doubt that the group will be here just as consistently for you. With good ideas and a lot of hugs too.
I also know it I am feeling down I can talk about it at anytime. For some reason this group just doesn't run out of empathy. There is no finite amount of support we can access here. We can ask for as much as we need.
Just for today I am focused on being grateful that the medicine keeps me healthy, and not on despair over the illness itself.
That's a super answer! My late wife suffered from mild depression and was taking some kind of medicine for it. She convinced me that it is a physical ailment, which idea I'd heard of but hadn't fully accepted. I think I came close to understanding what it is to have depression last February, when I had been eating Chancix for three weeks. -- Ian No Smoking In This Message Please!
> On May 16, 1:20 pm, ChrisC <chrisp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
> > I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it. > > Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not > > in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all > > that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games. > > Escapism with out drugs now.
> > When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I > > don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
> > Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a > > detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know > > if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti- > > depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath > > though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
> > I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a > > cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at > > that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and > > Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The > > Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak > > world.
> > Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever, > > recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal > > with for the rest of my life?
> > Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the > > prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't > > get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my > > beliefs from a little of every religion.
> > Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from > > cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
> > Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is > > getting me down.
> > All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the > > UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia > > illness have accepted it.
> > Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them > > keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although > > another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
> > Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day > > and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require > > our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
> OK Chris, I can really feel your despair. You are not likely to agree > with my answer, but I'll give it to you.
> I've come to think of mental illness issues as the chronic diseases > that they are, no less so for being in our brains. I think it is the > strange Cartesian duality of mind-brain that somehow makes us render a > brain-disease to be 'all in the mind' and then somehow under our > concious control. This really defies logic. Our pancreases aren't > under our control and someone with diabetes cannot mentally control > the output of the pancreas by 'pulling up one's bootstraps."
> The neuroscience of the brain-based diseases (schizophrenia, major > depression and bipolar depression) is constantly evolving. Genetic > markers are being identified and tested. I tell my children that it > is my great hope that I have some kind of scientific proof and > understanding of my bipolar disorder sometime in my lifetime.
> One way I deal with this is to think of medicine as my friend. If I > lived 50, 75 years ago I would have been in really bad shape. As > painful as medication transitions are we are in the most progressive > era of psychiatric management. It would a little bit like a diabetic > becoming grateful for the existence of insulin. Despite the trauma of > daily management it is a breeze compared to there being no medical > recourse.
> That said I think that adjustments to meds are among the most trying > times we face. Almost 2 years ago I spun into such a profound > depression that I basically couldn't talk, couldn't write ... it was > just horrible. The physical effects of the medication changes were > painful. I busted my quit on these loathsome no-nicotine cigarettes I > found. I almost starting drinking again. I was suicidal. It was > gruesome. At that point dealing with my mental illness seemed to be > more than I could survive.
> But then we came up with a workable regime. I FORCED myself to talk > to my friends (John here among them, never left my side) even though I > was afraid that I would be Debbie Downer, and bore and/or distress > them all. My circle of close friends just listened, just stayed > quietly present and let me know that I couldn't get sad enough or > quiet enough that they would leave.
> This is a VERY compassionate group. I pretty much explained all of > this when I came back to the group 18 months ago, and was met with > nothing but kindness. I was pretty much able to confess my depression > and talk about it as much as I needed to until I got back on my feet. > I have no doubt that the group will be here just as consistently for > you. With good ideas and a lot of hugs too.
> I also know it I am feeling down I can talk about it at anytime. For > some reason this group just doesn't run out of empathy. There is no > finite amount of support we can access here. We can ask for as much > as we need.
> Just for today I am focused on being grateful that the medicine keeps > me healthy, and not on despair over the illness itself.
> Holding good thoughts for you! Stephanie
Thank you for that. Makes me feel slightly better. In response to the depression. I have taken it upon myself to increase my dosage of Citalopram to 60mg a day, whilst maintaining my 1mg a day dose of Respiridone.
