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I was baptized in early 1996 and my life has gone down the tubes
eversince. In fact, I live in a constant hell of financial misery and
clinical depression.

You were sucked into a phony religion that is essentially nihilistic.
But just because those fundies are rotten people, doesn't mean that
God's rotten too. If you reject belief in God, based on the ugliness of
some who claim to worship him, you are (to put it euphemistically)
throwing the baby out with the water.

I believe in a benevolent Creator, and I don't have to be Christian to
believe this way. In fact, I consider myself an "animist", which puts
me in the religious spectrum of pagans. Studying anthropology and world
relgions/philosophies is what got me there (as a spiritual person).

No doubt you've read and watched many a tale of great misfortune
befalling someone, and their heroic struggle to rise about this;
resulting in a wonderful outcome. There are countless true stories of
such inspiring lives...souls which have endured far WORSE than you are
right now (and far longer), yet wound up in an excellent situation
after their long suffering.

God does answer all prayers...well, all those that are sincere. But he
doesn't usually answer them when we want; it usually takes longer. And
hardship in our lives can open our hearts to others less fortunate,
that had we not endured a crisis or tragedy, we'd be insensitive and
callous instead.

Everything that happens to us, does not happen w/o a good
reason...though said reason may not be readily apparent. You will find,
over the long run, that ALL your life experiences to date (including
those times that seemed pointless, boring, or desperate) evolve into an
optimistic wisdom that makes a lot of pieces fall together.

I've shared this wisdom with my homeless buddies, and it seems to have
been a positive impact in their lives. Two now have good jobs and are
off hard drugs, three others are now emotionally stable, always clean,
and totally confident their lives will turn out wonderful. (I'm a gay
and street activist; see my website.)

I do not believe a truly benevolent God would allow the horrid
tragedies that seem to have occurred. I say "seem"...for I've concluded
that--while we each suffer for whatever reasons, from time to
time--this extraordinary suffering such as from concentration camps and
world wars, was not borne by the affected victims themselves, but by
angelic actors who entered their bodies once their souls were shunted
into a safer realm. For further explanation of my philosophy in this
matter, see my essay:

Neochristianity: a gay religion
http://www.gay-bible.org/neochrist.htm

BTW, I call it "Neochristianity" tongue-in-cheek. You can be of any
faith, including Buddhist or Pagan, and incorporate my optimistic
belief into your own worldview. I plan to soon rename it, though, so as
not to imply that one must belief in Christ to apply my ideas. That is
most certainly not the case; and I explain all that in the essay.

Anywayz, don't believe everything you see/read. They are illusions on a
vast stage: earth. As Shakespeare said: "All the world's a stage...".
What horrors you believe may have happened to others, make you think
they could happen to you, too. That is simply untrue: it is a fear, and
nothing more. Think of it this way: "Worry never does any good."

Put your faith in your creator, no matter how you choose to see him or
her or it. Put your faith in your self, your higher self. Each morning
say to your creator (or guardian angel or other deity/magickal creature
you prefer):

"Even though I don't like or understand what I'm going through, I thank
you now, for I know you are strengthening my spirit, making me into a
better person. You strike my soul some time (as you sculpt me) like
blacksmith's hammer to anvil...and it hurts!"
Go out of your way each day to put a smile on another's face. Doesn't
matter who: friend, stranger, relation, co-worker, boss, homeless, etc.

Use various methods of thinking or meditation, to instill in yourself,
a refreshed attitude of optimisim, several times each day.

Seek out environments and situations that are stabilizing: coffeehouses
(especially open mic nights), book-reading or movie clubs or any other
hobby you like (such as computers), library events, classes, activist
meetings. Consider a support group; but if there's nothing out there,
all the other ideas I mentioned will be a very fine support system,
overall.

This is what I now do, realizing how much prouder I'll be of myself,
once I'm over this horrid cycle. As miserable as my situation was, I
still made others smile.

In fact, I've taken this challenge to heart, and have been trying my
hand at open mic standup comedy! Actually, I'm more of a humorist, as I
read from my book, I don't have it memorized. But the audiences love
me! So I look forward to possible fame and fortune, as this open-mic
stuff is simply my latest facet as a queer activist and homeless
advocate.

Besides NOT committing suicide, do not succumb to alcohol or hard
drugs. Marijuana, OTOH: go for it!

You are NOT alone, you have many angels always with you. Your
experience of loneliness is an opportunity to draw resources from deep
within, that you didn't know you had: spiritual resources. Don't allow
panic to take over: anxiety attacks are awful, and a waste of your
valuable time. Learn how to realease such nihilistic energy into a
positive manifestation.

A LOT of people will soon go through crises identical to yours: our
economy is gonna tank very, very soon. With 10s of millions of us in
dire straits, no way will the gov't be able to control us, to keep us
from losing our homes, etc. The whole world is now going through
increasing crisis after crisis...causing each, in his or her own
(accelerated) time to find a way through this frightening muck.

And we will. As we go through our life's horrors, eventually enough of
them pile up where it becomes simply a piece of cake. We become that
strong.

The best thing you've done for yourself, is to be so honest with us,
about your present feelings of depression, despair, and anxiety. This
means you are not closing down to life, into a little ball of fear. Let
this tast of fear that wells up so frequently these days, increase your
lust for life, and it's adventures each and every day. Just because you
have a reaction that seems to be one of fear (or panic), does not meant
that's really what it is! Ever hear of PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder. You suffer jolts of fear that tempt you to go stark raving
insane...but you manage to hang in, there. And as the months/years
pass, these anxiety attacks become a nuisance (like a migraine
headach), but really mark you as a man who has real feelings for
himself and this life.

Deal with each issue forthrightly, with confidence that you'll be fine.
Reward yourself for your courage each and every day: have a cup of
coffee in a friendly cafe, watch a fun video, take a leisurely stroll,
meditate, whatever.

Oh, and make sure you have some good, hearty laughs each and every day.
Watch a comedy, or read something funny, or crack your own jokes!

Sincerely,

Zeke Krahlin

--
Lavender-Velvet Revolution
http://www.gay-bible.org