J Cook wrote:
> ... and tried to explain that sex is between married grown-ups (trying to
> make him understand that sex is not a casual thing)
...snip...
> I also tried to explain that sex is not like those videos, those videos are
> somewhat preverted...and those types of videos are NOT for children.
It sounds to me like you said the right things to get your values
accross. I'd advise keeping an open mind, and also keeping in
mind that he is developing into his own person, with his own
identity, which might not align exactly with what you would like.
On one extreme, he could turn out to become very much the
sort of person you would really NOT want him to be, and on the
other extreme he could turn out to become almost exactly
what you most dream of for your child. It is most likely he'll
turn out to be somewhere in between those two extremes,
and now that he's in adolescence, most of the influence you'll
have on that is already under the bridge.
> The first time I found him with the other sex dvd, I asked him where he got
> it [...] He gave me a lame story about getting it at a friends house.
Extremely normal, and almost trivially expected - take it as
a demonstration of reality. There is absolutely NO WAY you
will ever be able to control this aspect of his
life/choices/personality. If he wants to view sexually explicit
material, he will - period. If you want him to be honest about
how he gets access, the only way to achieve that is to make
him feel comfortable in telling you, which implies acceptance
of the activity on your part. Basically, if you're not going to
approve, he will have every motivation to hide as much as
he can from you.
> Now I have found another one...I am worried that he has a unnatural fixation
> with those videos...am I wrong, what do I say to him? How do I handle this?
It is impossible for a boy to have an "unnatural" fixation
about sex - for adolescent boys, sex is
OVERWHELMINGLY COMPULSORY ! There is NO other priority
whatsoever. It is abnormal if an adolescent boy is NOT
completely preoccupied with sex. Videos are the
next-best-thing to the real thing, so the appeal is obvious.
The only thing you should be concerned about is that your
son possibly shows signs of defiance in the fact that you
have both found the videos, and found them more than once.
Defiance is potentially a problem because it might mean that
he has already decided you are not to be cooperated with.
Everything is an up-hill, and possibly losing, battle, if that is
the case.
> > I was one of 3 girls and just don't know how to handle this sex thing at
> > all with boys...
> > He spends a lot of time in his room...I was thinking he was experimenting
> > with masturbation...I know its probably normal for him to experiment with
> > masturbation...but what about adult sex DVD's?
> > What do I say to him...how do I stop this?
I would suggest that you NOT think about it in terms
of "stopping it". You can't, and even if you could, it
would be pointless and even harmful. Your son's
masturbation is literally your best friend in this - its
healthy, normal, makes him happy, and provides
satisfaction/relief without having to actually have
risky sex. In a way, the videos aid in this regard by
increasing the effectiveness/satisfaction of the
masturbation. If you make sure that he is
comfortable with the fact that you know and understand
(most likely this will require approval on your part), you
might have a shot at having your words and feelings
about the issue heard by him. If he feels that you
understand, he might take to heart your feelings about
the content of the videos.
Here's an idea: go and find some very sexually-explicit
videos that you think reflect the respect and beauty of
loving sex (make sure they are still explicit enough to
satisfy his sexual desires), and provide them to him as
a replacement, requesting that he stick with them, and
let you know if he needs/wants something more instead
of getting the "vulgar" stuff.
> > I want him to have a healthy normal understanding of sex....but at 10 1/2
> > years old?
Many boys start thinking about sex very early, even
around the age of 6 or 7. Some enter puberty early,
and the onset of secondary sexual charcteristics (voice
change, body hair, shoulders/muscles) may come
long after the onset of increased sexual awareness.
I don't think its such a surprise at your son's age. Its
a surprise to you because many girls never hear any
"honest" story of how sex fits throughout the life of a
boy/man.
Bottom line is: you want to be able to express your
values to your son, in the hope that he will adopt
many/all of them - to have any chance of him
hearing, let alone accepting, them you'll have to
respect his right to identity and choice, and
understand his nature and feelings. In the end,
you'll simply have to convince him of what he'll
accept, and accept what he won't be convinced of.
Hope this is of some help,
Aztek
