TRY NOT TO STEP ON THE NAKED MAN

By Sean Michael Welch

Copyright 2001

 

Frank

Donna

Barker

Carney

 

[SCENE: A NORMAL LIVING ROOM AS SEEN FROM THE BACK, ALL FURNITURE BEING TURNED AWAY FROM THE AUDIENCE. THE MOST PROMINENT PIECE IS AN L-SHAPED COUCH WHERE, COMPLETELY HIDDEN FROM THE AUDIENCE (TO NEVER BE FULLY SEEN), IS FRANK, A NAKED MAN. ENTER DONNA FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A PLATE OF HORS D’OEUVRES.]

 

DONNA: Would you care for some cheese?

 

FRANK: Oh, no, thank you. I’m lactose intolerant.

 

DONNA: All righty.

 

[DONNA EXITS. AFTER A MOMENT, BARKER WALKS IN, COMPLETELY IMMERSED IN HIS NEWSPAPER.]

 

BARKER: Darling? I’m home.

 

DONNA: [OFF] I’m in the kitchen.

 

BARKER: How’s dinner coming?

 

DONNA: [OFF] I think your boss will be very impressed. You picked out a good pot roast.

 

BARKER: Do you believe how high gas prices are? And they’re expected to get even higher during the summer.

 

DONNA: [OFF] Would you like some cheese, dear?

 

BARKER: It makes a man want to start taking the bus. Let the city pay for my gas.

 

[BARKER WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH, TRIPS ON FRANK, AND FALLS.]

 

FRANK: Sorry. My fault.

 

BARKER: AAAAHHHH!!! DONNA!

DONNA: [ENTERS.] Yes, dear?

 

BARKER: There’s a naked man on the floor.

 

DONNA: Oh yes, dear. That’s Frank. Try not to step on him. [EXITS.]

 

FRANK: Hi. I’m Frank.

 

[FRANK EXTENDS HIS HAND.]

 

BARKER: DONNA!

 

DONNA: [ENTERS.] Yes, dear?

 

BARKER: Why is there a naked man on our floor?

 

DONNA: He was there why I woke up.

 

BARKER: Why?

 

DONNA: Don’t be rude, Barker. He’s right there. Why don’t you ask him yourself?

 

[EXITS.]

 

FRANK: Fire away.

 

BARKER: Excuse me – Frank is it?

 

FRANK: That’s my name, don’t wear it out. That’s a little joke.

 

BARKER: Excuse me, Frank. Why are you lying on my living room floor?

 

FRANK: Isn’t it laying?

 

BARKER: What?

 

FRANK: Shouldn’t it be why are you laying on my living room floor?

 

BARKER: I’m not really –

 

FRANK: Because if I were lying on your floor, I’d tell you my name was Stuart or Mel. Am I right?

 

BARKER: I really think that’s beside the point.

 

FRANK: You must be Barker. I’ve heard a lot about you.

 

BARKER: Have you.

 

FRANK: Your wife speaks very highly of you.

 

BARKER: You’ve been chatting, have you?

 

FRANK: Oh yes. Lovely woman. Quite a little talker.

 

BARKER: DONNA!

 

DONNA: [ENTERS.] Yes, dear?

 

BARKER: You’ve been talking to him?

 

DONNA: It would have been rude just to ignore him, wouldn’t it?

 

BARKER: Donna, he’s naked.

 

DONNA: Oh, Barker, don’t be such an old stiffy. We’re all naked under all these clothes.

 

FRANK: She has a point.

 

BARKER: Do you mind? Donna. Call the police.

 

DONNA: Is something wrong?

 

BARKER: There’s a naked man on our living room floor where our coffee table used to be – where is the coffee table by the way?

 

DONNA: Frank had to move it.

 

FRANK: It was sort of in the way.

 

BARKER: You can’t just start moving coffee tables around! Where are we supposed to put our drinks?

 

FRANK: I don’t mind holding it for you.

 

DONNA: Isn’t that considerate?

 

BARKER: Call the police, Donna, right this instant.

 

DONNA: What’s wrong, dear?

 

BARKER: We have an intruder.

 

DONNA: But that’s Frank, dear.

 

FRANK: I’m Frank.

 

BARKER: I understand that. What I’m saying is that Frank is an intruder. We’ll have him arrested for breaking and entering and public nudity.

 

DONNA: He didn’t break in.

 

FRANK: The door was unlocked. I would’ve waited on the porch, but it was a bit nipply out, if you catch my drift.

 

BARKER: Then we’ll arrest him for entering and public nudity.

 

DONNA: This isn’t public, Barker. This is our home.

 

FRANK: She has a point.

 

BARKER: I want you to understand that I would physically remove you, except that I don’t want to touch you because you’re naked.

 

FRANK: Sounds like someone’s got issues.

 

BARKER: Why is the naked man here. Donna? Please?

 

FRANK: I can field this one, Donna.

 

DONNA: Well, good. I have to check on the pot roast. Play nice, Barker. [EXITS.]

 

FRANK: Now see, Barker, there’s a perfectly simple explanation to this.

 

BARKER: I’d love to hear it.

 

FRANK: I’m art.

 

BARKER: I thought you said your name was Frank.

 

FRANK: What? Oh I see, that’s funny. No, see, I’m like a sculpture. I’m a piece of artwork.

 

BARKER: No, you’re not. You’re just a naked man on my floor.

 

FRANK: Don’t be so narrow-minded, Barker. Don’t you find the human body beautiful?

 

BARKER: Not yours.

 

FRANK: That hurts me deeply, Barker.

 

BARKER: Okay fine, you’re art, I get it. Why are you here?

 

FRANK: I was willed to you.

 

BARKER: I’m sorry, what?

 

FRANK: Your Great Aunt Gertrude willed me to you along with several other pieces. My condolences, by the way.

 

BARKER: No. No, no, no. No. Great Aunt Gertrude left us a couple of cases and a painting of a pumpkin and –

 

FRANK: And me.

 

BARKER: I think I would have remembered the lawyer saying that I had been bequeathed a Frank.

 

FRANK: He did mention me. Told me so himself.

 

BARKER: [PAUSE.] Well, he did say something about a naked man, but I thought he was talking about that little Michelangelo’s David replica that Gertrude used as a bookend.

 

FRANK: No, your brother Ralphie got that. Apparently he has quite a lot of books.

 

BARKER: This is ridiculous.

 

FRANK: Would you have been happier with Michelangelo’s David, Barker? He’s naked too, you know.

 

BARKER: He’s a replica.

 

FRANK: Oh, so you don’t mind staring at a statue’s penis, but mine gives you the willies, hmmm?

 

BARKER: I am not staring at your penis!

 

FRANK: Why not? What’s wrong with it?

 

BARKER: It’s a penis!

 

FRANK: Do you find its size intimidating?

 

BARKER: I don’t know! I wasn’t looking at it!

 

FRANK: Size doesn’t matter, Barker. Remember that. You should know that your wife has no complaints whatsoever.

 

BARKER: DONNA!

 

DONNA: [ENTERS.] Yes, dear?

 

BARKER: Have you been talking to Frank about my penis?

 

DONNA: Well, it just sort of came up. Pot roast is almost done. [EXITS.]

 

FRANK: That’s a good woman you got there, Barker. Don’t let her get away.

 

BARKER: I’m calling the police.

 

FRANK: It won’t do you any good. I’m registered.

 

BARKER: You’re what?

 

FRANK: Well, you have to register to keep naked man art in your house. It’s a lot of red tape, but what isn’t nowadays?

 

BARKER: How did you get registered?

 

FRANK: I did it myself. That’s one of the perks about having living artwork. I can get all that annoying legwork done for you. And once your wife confirmed –

 

BARKER: DONNA!

 

DONNA: [ENTERS.] Yes, dear?

 

BARKER: Did you sign something that said that we could have a naked man in our house?

 

DONNA: Of course I did, dear. There are rules about this sort of thing.

 

BARKER: Without my consent?

 

DONNA: You were at work, you know how you hate for me to call you at work.

 

BARKER: Don’t you think this would have been considered important enough to call me about, Donna?

 

DONNA: I wanted it to be a surprise.

 

FRANK: Surprise!

 

DONNA: I think it’s sweet that Great Aunt Gertrude thought of you at all. It’s not as if you visited her very often.

 

BARKER: Donna. My boss is coming over here for dinner. Do you realize that?

 

DONNA: There’s more than enough pot roast to go around.

 

FRANK: I love a good pot roast. Smells good, Donna.

 

DONNA: Why thank you, Frank.

 

BARKER: Stop that!

 

[KNOCK.]

 

DONNA: Ooo. Your boss is early.

 

BARKER: Look, Frank, my boss is here for dinner. Would you mind at least moving to a different room?

 

FRANK: Well, I would, but I look so nice in here. I really compliment the rug. Donna agreed. She has a good eye.

 

[KNOCK.]

 

BARKER: Just until my boss leave. Then we can discuss your placement later.

 

FRANK: Are you ashamed of me, Barker?

 

[KNOCK.]

 

BARKER: I would hope that you would understand the implications of having a naked man parading around my living room.

 

FRANK: I’m not parading, Barker. That’s a different piece of art altogether. I stay on the floor.

 

[KNOCK. DONNA ENTERS TO GET THE DOOR.]

 

DONNA: Someone’s knocking, Barker. Where are your manners?

 

BARKER: NO!

 

[BARKER LUNGES AT THE DOOR AND STOPS DONNA FROM OPENING IT.]

 

DONNA: Barker! What’s gotten into you?

 

BARKER: A naked man has gotten into me, Donna! [PAUSE.] Not in that sense.

 

[KNOCK.]

 

DONNA: Leaving your boss on the porch is not making a good impression.

 

BARKER: A blanket! I’ll get a blanket! Don’t open the door until I get a blanket!

 

[BARKER RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. DONNA OPENS THE DOOR FOR CARNY.]

 

DONNA: Hello. You must be Miss Hedgeway.

 

CARNY: Lord Almighty, I thought my knuckles were going to fall off for all that knocking.

 

DONNA: I apologize. I was in the kitchen.

 

CARNY: I understand. Smells good. By the way, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a naked man on your floor.

 

DONNA: He’s art.

 

CARNY: Hello, Art.

 

FRANK: I’m Frank.

 

CARNY: I can see that.

 

DONNA: No, his name is Frank, and he is artwork.

 

CARNY: Oh, I see. Hello, Frank.

 

FRANK: Pleased to meet you, Miss Hedgeway.

 

CARNY: I’m sure.

 

[ENTER BARKER WITH A BLANKET.]

 

BARKER: AAAHHH!!!

 

CARNY: Hello, Barker.

 

BARKER: Hello, Miss Hedgeway.

 

[BARKER HAPHAZARDLY TOSSES THE BLANKET ON TOP OF FRANK.]

 

FRANK: Oh no, thank you, I’m not cold at all.

 

[FRANK TOSSES THE BLANKET OFF.]

 

DONNA: Don’t be weird, Barker. Your boss is here. Now, Miss Hedgeway, I hope you like pot roast.

 

CARNY: Love it. And please, call me Carny. I’m only Miss Hedgeway at work.

 

DONNA: Alright, Carny. And you can call me Donna. It will be maybe another half an hour before we eat.

 

CARNY: I’m a bit early, I realize. My gynecological exam went a lot quicker than expected.

 

FRANK: Everything all right?

 

CARNY: Clean as a whistle, so to speak.

 

DONNA: I’ll bring our some hors d’oeuvres to tide you over.

 

CARNY: Great. I’m starving.

 

[DONNA EXITS. PAUSE.]

 

FRANK: Ask her to sit down, Barker.

 

BARKER: I know. Would you care to sit down, Carny? In the kitchen?

 

CARNY: Well, I don’t know. That looks like an awfully comfy couch.

 

BARKER: Oh. Alright.

 

[CARNY SITS.]

 

CARNY: Join me, Barker. I don’t bite. When I’m not at work.

 

[CARNY AND FRANK LAUGH. BARKER TIMIDLY SITS ON THE COUCH.]

 

CARNY: So, Barker. You have a lovely home. Very rustic.

 

BARKER: Thank you.

 

CARNY: And Frank certainly adds to the décor.

 

FRANK: Why, thank you.

 

CARNY: Now, Barker. I know you’ve been expecting this, so let’s get down to brass tacks. You do good work. You contribute a lot to the company. So. Let’s talk raise. No offense, Frank.

 

FRANK: [PAUSE.] Oh, I see. Because of my penis. Very good.

 

[CARNY AND FRANK LAUGH.]

 

BARKER: Excuse me, won’t you?

 

CARNY: Sure, sure.

 

BARKER: I just want to check on the penis – pot roast. Excuse me. [EXITS.]

 

FRANK: So. Carny. What an interesting name. Is it short for something?

 

CARNY: No. My parents were circus folk. Smelled horrible, but good people. So, have you always been artwork?

 

FRANK: Well, I started out as a nude model at a community college art class, if you can imagine.

 

CARNY: Not so farfetched. Do you enjoy it?

 

FRANK: Well, it can be a little tedious at times, but you learn how to pass the time when no one’s around. I personally like coming up with haikus in my head.

 

CARNY: Oh yeah?

 

FRANK: Absolutely.

Butterfly at night

A star in nature’s breasts

Here I sit naked

 

CARNY: Lovely.

 

FRANK: Thanks. I have a whole bunch.

 

CARNY: You should write them down.

 

FRANK: Well, I don’t have a pencil.

 

CARNY: That is a problem.

 

[ENTER DONNA CARRYING A TRAY OF HORS D’OEUVRES, FOLLOWED BY BARKER.]

 

DONNA: Care for any hors d’oeuvres, Carny?

 

CARNY: Absolutely. I’m famished.

 

[CARNY TAKES A PIECE OF CHEESE.]

 

DONNA: Now, where should I…

 

FRANK: Way ahead of you. I’ll take it.

 

DONNA: Why thank you, Frank.

 

[FRANK TAKES THE TRAY.]

 

BARKER: Oh dear God.

 

CARNY: Have a seat, you two. No need to make such a fuss about me.

 

DONNA: Oh, all right.

 

[DONNA SITS DOWN.]

 

CARNY: Barker?

 

[BARKER SITS HESITANTLY.]

 

FRANK: Try the summer sausage, Barker. Seriously.

 

BARKER: Could you possibly hold the tray a bit lower, Frank?

 

FRANK: Is it because of the penis? All right, no problemo. How’s that? Summer sausage?

 

BARKER: Uhm, no, thank you.

 

FRANK: You don’t know what you’re missing. Your wife cuts one mean piece of meat.

 

DONNA: Oh, stop, Frank. You’re embarrassing me.

 

CARNY: So, Barker. Let’s talk raise.

 

[FRANK LAUGHS.]

 

FRANK: Raise…

 

BARKER: Yes. Let’s talk raise. Let’s forget about everything else and just talk raise.

 

CARNY: You’ve been with the company a long time now, Barker. You deserve a raise. How does twenty-five percent grab you?

 

BARKER: Twenty-five percent? That’s very generous.

 

DONNA: Oh, Barker. Now, we can afford to get that entertainment center we always talked about.

 

FRANK: What a great idea!

 

BARKER: Art should be seen and not heard!

 

FRANK: Someone’s never been to the Opera.

 

CARNY: I just want you to know that I was going to offer you twenty percent, Barker, but I like your style.

 

BARKER: Well, thank you.

 

CARNY: It’s quite a thing to be able to have a naked man smack dab in the middle of your living room and not care what people think. That shows gumption. I like that. I mean, look at him. He’s naked. On the floor. In your living room. His penis and everything. And he poses no threat to you or your marriage. That’s what I like. You got balls, Barker. No offense, Frank.

 

FRANK: [PAUSE.] Oh, I see. Because of my testicles. Very good.

 

[FRANK, DONNA, AND CARNY LAUGH.]

 

DONNA: Well, let me just get this tray out of the way.

 

BARKER: NO!

 

DONNA: What no? Everyone seems to have had their share.

 

CARNY: Don’t want to spoil my appetite.

 

FRANK: Here, here.

 

BARKER: Donna, I’m not done.

 

DONNA: You haven’t eaten any yet, dear. I want to put the rest in the fridge.

 

BARKER: NO! I’m… eating. See?

 

[PAUSE. BARKER ATTEMPTS TO REACH FOR A PIECE, BUT IS HAVING PROBLEMS.]

 

FRANK: Summer sausage?

 

BARKER: Nevermind.

 

DONNA: Off to the fridge. I’ve got them.

 

[DONNA TAKES THE TRAY FROM FRANK AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN.]

 

CARNY: Smells good.

 

BARKER: [HORRIFIED.] What!?!

 

CARNY: The pot roast. Smells good.

 

BARKER: Oh. Yes. The pot roast.

 

CARNY: Can’t wait to sink my teeth into it.

 

BARKER: The pot roast.

 

CARNY: Yes. Nothing like a good slab of meat. Yummy.

 

BARKER: So. Twenty-five percent.

 

CARNY: Worth every penny. You are a valuable asset. So, how does one go about acquiring a naked man, anyway? Call me curious.

 

FRANK: You’re curious.

 

[FRANK AND CARNY LAUGH.]

 

BARKER: Well, I suppose my Great Aunt Gertrude left him to use in her will.

 

CARNY: And how did Great Aunt Gertrude get him?

 

FRANK: She won me in a raffle.

 

CARNY: Really.

 

FRANK: I was second prize.

 

CARNY: Only second?

 

FRANK: First prize was a boat. You understand.

 

CARNY: And what did she think of you?

 

FRANK: Oh, she loved me hanging around. We’d spend hours talking while she knitted socks. She had a lot of pep. Good woman. You should have visited her more often, Barker.

 

BARKER: I don’t think that’s any of your business.

 

FRANK: You were always her favorite. That’s why you got me.

 

BARKER: Interesting how that worked out. So, twenty-five percent.

 

CARNY: Don’t tell me it’s not enough. Are you playing hardball with me, Barker?

 

BARKER: No, no, no, I was just - - OH, DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN!

 

CARNY: Well.

 

FRANK: I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. Miss Hedgeway has a very nice set of gums. It’s got a mind of its own sometimes.

 

BARKER: Oh, that is enough. Frank, I want you and that thing out of my house this instant!

 

FRANK: It’ll go away in a minute. I’ll just think about baseball.

 

BARKER: I can’t take this anymore! This is obscene!

 

FRANK: Eye of the beholder, Barker.

 

BARKER: You have to leave! I can’t have a naked man in my house! It’s unsanitary!

 

FRANK: What are you talking about? I shower.

 

BARKER: Make it go away!

 

FRANK: Well, now you got me all flustered! Give me a minute!

 

[ENTER DONNA.]

 

DONNA: What’s all the shouting about?

 

FRANK: Barker’s upset because I had an erection.

 

BARKER: Don’t say that!

 

FRANK: Well, I assumed since we are in the company of woman, that “boner” would be in poor taste.

 

BARKER: Stop talking!

 

DONNA: Barker! We have guests! Don’t yell at the artwork!

 

BARKER: He’s not artwork! He’s Frank! He’s a naked man in my house! He has nothing to do with art! Now get out of my house and go find some other house to be naked in!

 

[PAUSE.]

 

CARNY: Well. That’s my cue.

 

BARKER: What?

 

CARNY: I can see you’re having a bit of a domestic dispute, so I shall take my leave.

 

BARKER: But –

 

CARNY: It’s perfectly all right. These things happen.

 

BARKER: These things do not happen! Ever!

 

CARNY: Donna, it was lovely meeting you. Maybe we can have pot roast some other time.

 

DONNA: Of course. I understand.

 

CARNY: Barker? I will see you at work tomorrow, bright and early. Then maybe we can talk about your fifteen percent raise.

 

BARKER: Fifteen?

 

CARNY: That’s office talk. Frank, it was a pleasure. Don’t get up.

 

FRANK: Too late.

 

[CARNY AND FRANK LAUGH AND SHAKE HANDS.]

 

CARNY: Good night all.

 

[DONNA LETS CARNY OUT. PAUSE.]

 

BARKER: This is all your fault! You and your nakedness!

 

FRANK: Nudity.

 

BARKER: Shut up!

 

DONNA: I don’t suppose we’ll be able to afford that entertainment center now.

 

BARKER: Oh, who cares!?! Why aren’t you leaving!?!

 

[KNOCK.]

 

DONNA: Who could that be?

 

[DONNA OPENS THE DOOR AND CARNY ENTERS.]

 

CARNY: You know, I had a thought. I can see the conundrum you folks are in, so I am prepared to help you out. I want to buy Frank from you.

 

BARKER: What?

 

DONNA: Oh no, we couldn’t sell Frank.

 

[CARNY PULLS OUT A CHECKBOOK AND START WRITING.]

 

CARNY: What’s your asking price?

 

DONNA: But Great Aunt Gertrude left him –

 

BARKER: Not now, Donna! Oh, whatever you think is fair.

 

CARNY: I hesitate to put a price on Frank. Who knows how valuable he’ll be in a few years.

 

FRANK: I kind of peak around thirty.

 

CARNY: Doesn’t matter. What seems fair to you?

 

BARKER: Well, I don’t know –

 

DONNA: What would Gertrude say?

 

BARKER: Nothing – she’s dead.

 

CARNY: Tell you what. I’m just going to throw our an amount here and if you are not pleased with it, just tear that check up and I’ll write another.

 

[CARNY TEARS OUT THE CHECK AND HANDS IT TO BARKER. BARKER LOOKS AT THE AMOUNT.]

 

BARKER: Oh, dear Lord.

 

DONNA: I can’t believe you.

 

BARKER: You’re very valuable, Frank.

 

FRANK: As I said.

 

BARKER: Thank you. It’s more than fair.

 

CARNY: It’s settled then. Frank? I have my car out front.

 

FRANK: Uh… If it’s all the same to you, I’d kind of like to camp out here tonight. I’ve grown attached to this place.

 

CARNY: Not a problem. I understand. Well, I would call this a successful business transaction, yes?

 

BARKER: Oh, yes.

 

CARNY: Frank, you can get my home address from the check. I will expect to see you tomorrow.

 

FRANK: Bright and early. With bells on.

 

[FRANK AND CARNY LAUGH.]

 

CARNY: Good night, folks. And thank you.

 

BARKER: No. Thank you.

 

[DONNA LETS CARNY OUT.]

 

DONNA: Barker. How could you?

 

BARKER: Look at this check, Donna. This is two entertainment centers!

 

DONNA: Is that all you care about? Money? What about sentimental value?

 

BARKER: There is none. Oh, Donna, believe me, this was all for the best. You’ll see. I’ll get you a plant or a dog or a little replica of Michelangelo’s David.

 

DONNA: Oh, Barker.

 

BARKER: I’m sorry, darling. But really. It’s all for the best. You’ll see. Well, I’m tired, I’m off to bed.

 

DONNA: But it’s so early.

 

BARKER: I’m exhausted. Good night, darling. Goodbye, Frank. It was awful having you naked on my floor.

 

FRANK: Likewise.

 

BARKER: Right. Goodnight.

 

[BARKER GLEEFULLY EXITS. PAUSE.]

 

FRANK: One more for the road?

 

DONNA: All right.

 

[DONNA GOES OVER TO FRANK. BLACK.]

 

END.